Because You Care by Merle Yost, LMFT

As a partner or family member of a man who was sexually abused as a child, you know that he is hurting and damaged in ways you may not understand, but you can still feel the impact. This video will make sense of the pain and help you learn how to take care of yourself.

Description: As a partner or family member of a man who was sexually abused as a child, you know that he is hurting and damaged in ways you don't understand, but you can still feel the impact.

Loving and caring for someone who is hurting so much can be almost as painful for you. Not really understanding the cause, not really understanding what to do, and most of all, not really understanding what your role should in helping them, if you can at all. 

There are many sources of sexual abuse, but none is as invisible as a female perpetrator. Understanding the damage done to boys that are exposed to sex before they are really ready takes them out of the category of “lucky” and properly shows how they were actually victimized. Straight boys sexually abused by females can be the most difficult to treat and have the most difficult recovery. 

Knowing the limits, knowing how to take care of yourself is key to surviving a relationship impacted by sexual abuse.

This video will make sense of the pain and help you learn how to take care of yourself.

Bumps On The Road by Merle Yost, LMFT

A personal statement about gynecomastia and an exploration of the emotional landscape of a young man's journey with gynecomastia. An explanation of the medical condition, but much more about the emotional impact. This video will leave you with a better understanding of gynecomastia, how to engage with it and what to do about it.

Description: A personal statement about gynecomastia and an exploration of the emotional landscape of a young man's journey with gynecomastia. An explanation of the condition but much more about the emotional impact. This video will leave you with a better understanding of gynecomastia, how to engage with it, and what to do about it. 

Further Description:

Gynecomastia is the condition of a male having female-like breasts. The breast, or breast tissue, can range from a small hard lump under the nipple(s) to massive F size breasts. 

There are both adult and adolescent onset forms of gynecomastia. The condition can affect pubescent boys as they are first becoming aware of their bodies and themselves as sexual beings. They are trying to figure out what it means to be male and what is needed to be a man. To be afflicted with at this point in their development, if not handled well, can cripple them emotionally, derail normal socialization with friends, impede romantic involvement and cause a lifetime of self-hatred and isolation. 

It is imperative that we educate parents, teachers, doctors, nurses and coaches boy shirtless about the condition, so the boy can be informed about it without shame.  The conversations should be normalized and appropriate treatment options be explored. 

Adolescence is not for the meek. It is already a tough time in almost every child's life. Tour any Junior High School in this country and you will see children with emerging hormones, desperately trying to make sense of what is happening to them. For a boy trying to sort out his masculinity to then develop a secondary female characteristic, it can be devastating. But it does not have to be that way. With education and early intervention, we can make the journey out of childhood a little easier and a lot less traumatic for the boys with gynecomastia.

A Man's Journey by Merle Yost, LMFT

Men sexually abused as children are often the forgotten victims of sexual abuse. This video is for psychotherapists, victims and family members, who want to understand the healing process. This is an in-depth look at the healing process in therapy. The video addresses therapists, but the material is accessible to anyone.

Description: Men sexually abused as children are often the forgotten victims of sexual abuse. This video is for psychotherapists, victims and family members who want to understand the healing process. This is an in-depth look at the healing process in therapy. You may not view psychotherapy the same way after watching this video. 

Further Information:

Talking about the sexual exploitation of children is always hard. Specifically talking about the sexual abuse of boys is guaranteed to make people think about what else they could be doing that day, but it is so common and plays such a huge role in how men relate in society. It is imperative that we have this conversation. 

For a man to admit he was a victim is tantamount to saying he is “not a man” in our society. Boys are not seen as boys, they are little men. From the moment they pop out, they are expected to be able to protect themselves. When they don’t or can’t, it is their fault. This kind of shame is crippling to most boys and they will carry it with them the rest of their lives if they don’t get help to face and heal the abuse. 

The video addresses therapists about the healing of these men that are still boys in so many ways, but the material is accessible to anyone. It could be useful for partners or helpers of any kind to know this information. That includes school counselors, ministers, coaches, etc. 

Now You Know by Merle Yost, LMFT

This video is for men who have recently tested positive for HSV (herpes simplex virus) or genital or oral herpes. The emotional impact can be devastating. This video makes sense of it and reframes to begin the healing process that takes away the shame.

Description: This video is for men that have recently tested positive for HSV (herpes simplex virus), or genital or oral herpes. The emotional impact can be devastating. This video helps to make sense of it and provides perspectives to begin the healing process and take away the shame. 

Excerpt:

You are listening to this video because you have recently had a first outbreak or have tested positive for HSV I and or II. 

Suddenly, you see yourself differently and probably not in a good light. 

You feel dirty, soiled, damaged, sinful, whorish, and most of all unlovable. You wonder if you will ever have sex again. You wonder how you might tell someone else about your herpes

You are sure no one else has it, at least no one you would want to have sex with. You are convinced your life as you know it is over. 

These are all normal feelings

The shock, the internal chaos, the overwhelming shame is a normal and common response to finding out you have herpes. 

The diagnosis is not the end of your life, it is certainly not the end of your sex life, but it is the end of some of your innocence.

The Sex Addiction Myth by Merle Yost, LMFT

The Sex Addiction Myth is a compassionate look at the label of sexual addiction for men. It is another viewpoint, as well as a path to healing for sexually compulsive men.

Description: The Sex Addiction Myth is a compassionate look at the label of sexual addiction for men. It is another viewpoint as well as a path to healing for sexually compulsive men.

Excerpt:

All too often, we describe compulsive behaviors as addiction. The term ”addiction” has been over-used, particularly in reference to sex. Many compulsive behaviors are simply the self-medication of pain. If you are indeed using chemicals of one kind or another to self-medicate, at some point, given the right genetics, your brain will change and you can develop an addiction in addition to the pain that was being medicated before. 

Modern psychology seems to be turning to symptom management rather than problem solving. So instead of looking for and resolving the underlying cause, it is simpler to treat the surface behavior. In some cases, it is necessary to deal with the symptoms before getting to the underlying issues. But pathologizing a man’s sexuality will not be helpful in the long run. When you deal with the underlying issue, the compulsive behavior simply goes away. 

Sexual compulsivity or hyper sexuality can be a symptom of an underlying issue, and not simply an addiction. Is there someone out there that is truly addicted to sex?   It may be possible, but I have not seen it in practice and brain researchis not supportive of a sexual addiction diagnosis.

There appears to be a growing push back against the diagnosis of sexual addiction among mental health professionals. It is not even listed in the new DSM 5, the bible of pathological disorders for psychotherapists

So if it is not addiction, what is it?

So You Want to be a Therapist by Merle Yost, LMFT

This video is an insider’s view of the good and bad of becoming a psychotherapist in private practice. Both heartwarming and sober, it is not to be missed if you are thinking about, or planning to attend, graduate school in psychology.

Description: This video is an insider’s view of the good and bad of becoming a psychotherapist in private practice., It is not to be missed if you are thinking about, or planning to attend, graduate school in psychology.

Excerpt:

Being a psychotherapist can be an incredibly personally rewarding career, from an emotional perspective. 

It is foremost a business. Just like any other business. 

The fantasy

You imagine that grad school will be challenging, but fun. You will have found other similarly- minded peers. The teachers will all be self-realized and able to help you on your path to enlightenment so that you can now help others. 

Licensure is no big deal, and you will easily find a job to support yourself until you can practice on your own.

And as to post grad school and post-licensure:

Sitting up a business is easy

Clients will magically show up at your door, and you will make plenty of money/

Life will be easy with your rewarding, passionate career

So let’s look at each of those, without the dreamy soft focus...

Tips From the Couch by Merle Yost, LMFT

Based on 25 years of helping to repair childhood wounds, this an overview of important perspectives and tasks for raising healthy, independent adults.

Description: Based on 25 years of helping repair childhood wounds, this an overview of important perspectives to and tasks for raising healthy independent adults.

Excerpt:

Over 25 years, while on both sides of the couch, I have learned a lot about what works and does not work when it comes to parenting. There are some universal truths about what it takes to successfully navigate the land-mines and potholes of childhood so that a child can grow into adulthood and successfully launch. The following tips are some of what I have gleamed form all of the men and women who have entrusted me with their pain and joy.

The two jobs of childhood

From the moment babies arrive in the world, they have two jobs; job one is to download the love of their parents. That will allow them to love and be loved, which is what we call attachment. If a child does not feel the unconditional love of the parent, then he will be unable to feel genuine love from anyone later on. The parent-child bond is thus an essential foundation for being able to love and be loved as an adult. 

The second job is to make sense of the world. From that first smack on the rear and opening of the eyes, the infant is overwhelmed with information. They are tasked with organizing and bringing order to all of the information that suddenly floods in.  

How we make sense out of what happens to us, from those very first moments of life through childhood, creates the foundation for how we will experience the world. One of the major problems is that babies and children often reach grand conclusions about what all of this means, both about them and the world, before they have sufficient data to make sense out of it and put the information into context. Those grand conclusions shape their reality and the lens they look through to understand what is happening throughout the rest of their lives.

Unholy Union by Merle Yost, LMFT

An in-depth look at the psychological impact of a mother loving a son too much, and the journey to separation and healing for the son.

Type:  Detailed lecture. Movie, book and TV show recommendations for follow up
Description: An in-depth look at the psychological impact of a mother loving a son too much, and the journey to separation and healing for the son.

Excerpt:

When a mother loves her son too much it is an “unholy union”.

Mic Hunter, one of the great authors of books on sexually abused males, defines child abuse as:

Anytime an adult uses a child to meet the needs of the adult.

Overt sexual abuse like oral or genital sex is easy to see. It is not subtle, and we can see the cause and effect. 

Emotional incest is a type of covert abuse.

Emotional incest is more difficult to see, harder to quantify, and trickier to deal with. 

While emotional incest does not show up on most therapists’ radars, I believe it is the most common form of sexual abuse in our society today.

The Conversation: A MD and a Psychotherapist Discuss Herpes

The Conversation:  A MD and a Psychotherapist Discuss Herpes
Merle Yost, LMFT and Dr. Nicholas Moss